Your teens' struggles, boundaries and YOU.

My therapist could hear it in my voice. The anxiety as I recounted something that my teen was struggling with, and how worried I was for her. She listened, empathized, and then said something that totally changed how I parent my kids through their struggles: "Remember, too, Diane, that this is HER struggle, not yours." 

It's about healthy boundaries. 

The intensity of my worry was not healthy. It wasn't healthy for me, and it wasn't healthy for my kid. In the time since, I have learned how to cultivate a space between myself, and something that my kids are struggling with. A space where I can be compassionate, empathetic and present to their struggles, but clear that this is their struggle, not mine. 

Why? 

Because having that space, that boundary, does three important things:

1. It relieves me of the burden of having to solve the problem for my kid--it's impossible, and it's not my job. 

2. It relieves them of the burden of having to worry about me, on top of whatever they're already struggling with, and

3. it communicates to them that I trust them to problem solve for themselves.

My teen actually cried to me, "I don't want you to worry about me!" Friends--I never want my children to be afraid to tell me something because they're afraid I can't handle it. They're afraid I'll be too anxious or upset about it. So now my response to that is, "Well, it's normal to worry about people we love. But you're not burdening me. I can take care of my own feelings; that's my job. And I know you're going to be okay. And I also know that it's okay to NOT be okay right now."

I realized, too, that I was actually, in my anxiousness to fix this issue for my teen, unconsciously telegraphing that I didn't think she'd be okay--or that it's okay to NOT be okay...or that I trusted her to solve this on her own.

So learning to set this healthy boundary has, ultimately, been healing and empowering for me AND my kids. As Prentis Hemphill says, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." 💞