Reduce conflict with your teen through compassionate inquiry

Compassionate inquiry--the practice of replacing thoughts of judgment with curiosity and empathy is a powerful healing tool for us to use on ourselves...and it can be a transformational way of communicating with our children and teenagers.

I first want to acknowledge that many of us weren’t raised this way, and we might even have a voice in our head telling us that we’re gonna, like, raise brats or disrespectful kids if we don’t, like, lay down the law with "bad" behavior.

I also want to acknowledge that adolescence is an extremely tumultuous time, developmentally, and naturally a time of a lot of conflict between parent and child as our children move towards adulthood and experience greater desire for freedom and autonomy. So it can be a time that it’s hard for us to find patience or practice empathy and curiosity.

But, for these reasons, it’s also a really important and powerful time to do this work, even if you’re just learning it now, or wanting to practice more of it. 

So let's look at what compassionate inquiry sounds like in practice, how we can get better at, and what this practice does for our kids, and our relationship with them.

And let’s start by talking about some common judgments I hear us (parents, guardians, teachers, adults in general) making about our teens:

• They’re lazy.
• They don’t care about anything.
• They’re disrespectful.
• They don’t care about my rules.
• They’re selfish. 
• They don’t think about the future. 
• If they cared about X, they would have done Y.

Any of these sound familiar? Are they things you've thought/said? Things that were said to you, when you were a teen? 

So how do we shift from making judgments about our teens, to getting curious and empathetic? If your communication with your teen sometimes or often escalates into conflict, I want to offer some key principles strategies for how we can shift towards this non-judgmental way of of communicating.

1. Listen more than you speak. Even when you're teen is saying things that make you feel upset or defensive. Especially when they say things that make you feel upset or defensive!
2. Ask questions more than you make statements.
3. Avoid making any declarative statements about your teens characteristics (“you ARE X,” or their motivations (“You’re just trying to make me angry!”). Instead, focus on the impact their behavior has on you/your feelings (“When you come home late, I worry about you so much and it makes me feel like I can’t trust you.”)
4. Report back, and empathize. (“It sounds like you were having a really good time hanging out with Rachel who you haven’t seen in a while, and it made you lose track of time.”)
5. Focus on collective problem-solving. (“You told me you’d be home by 11, but you weren’t home until after midnight. Talk to me about how that happened. And, because it’s so important to me that we can trust each other, let’s brainstorm ways we can keep this from happening again.”)

So what does compassionate inquiry do for our kids, and for our relationship with our kids?

Well, for one, it makes them see us as a safe person to come to, even when they fail. And, ultimately, we want that! We want them to be able to come to us, even when they’re done something that scares, hurts, angers or upsets us, or makes us worry for them. 

And, two, it gives us an opportunity to SOLVE the conflict together. When we place a judgment on their behavior, that’s a closed door. If our judgment is that “Sam is lazy.” there’s not much we can do there. That’s just who he is. But if we get curious, and we can say to Sam, “Sam, you haven’t been doing your homework. But one thing I know is that college is really important to you. You want to go to Purdue, where you know you need an X GPA. So I’m curious about what you’re struggling with when it comes to getting homework done. Because I know you can work hard, I’ve seen you do it. And I know this goal is important to you. So I’d love to hear what you feel like you’re struggling with.” etc. etc.  You can imagine how this conversation could continue, how further questions and curiosity might bring up more information and allow you both to problem-solve together.

Finally, compassionate inquiry helps our kids feel accepted for who they are, because we aren’t reducing them to whatever perceived deficit we think they have–and it teaches them to connect their behaviors with outcomes, because we’re focusing on feelings and behaviors rather than essential characteristics, and talking about how our behaviors can change outcomes. It’s essentially, then, an extremely EMPOWERING framework. 

Now, listen: compassionate inquiry doesn’t mean that we don’t impose consequences on our teen’s behavior, necessarily. I might still not let Morgan use my car for a while if I can’t trust that she’ll bring it back on time. But it does mean that she and I can figure out a way to repair that trust together, while maintaining our fundamental attachment.

Have you tried communicating with your teen using compassionate inquiry? How has it worked for you? What has been challenging? What has worked well?